Have you ever met anyone who "has it all?" These people seem to have an amazing quality of life, raising successful children, maintaining strong marriages, contributing to their communities and looking forward to work every day. On the other hand, some people who seem to have it all—beautiful family, wealth and a good job—are hindered by procrastination and high anxiety. What separates these two types of people?
The answer may surprise you. The difference is their ability to cope and deal with difficult situations in a positive way. We call this set of skills resiliency. We aren't born resilient—resiliency is learned. Successful people in sports, business and other areas achieve because they are resilient. Let's look at the components that create winning mindsets for individuals and groups:
Happiness IS A CHOICE.People with strong coping skills learn from each daily event and become stronger from their experiences. When difficult situations arise in life, are you enhancing life and becoming more resilient? Or do you let procrastination and anxiety hold you back from joy and productivity? Choose to look at setbacks as challenges to overcome, not obstacles keeping you from reaching set goals. When you change your perceptions, challenges and failure become teachers and can help you learn to be more optimistic. Facing challenges this way helps you shape your world. This skill, called reframing, is vital to coping positively with difficult situations.
The process of converting tough change events into opportunities by using reframing techniques describes how people with winning mindsets perceive challenges. Challenge attitudes are necessary for growth and to reach long-term goals. If, for example, you take a loss too seriously and view it as a personal failure, you might avoid that situation in the future. This avoidance becomes fear of the very environment you must embrace to become stronger. Turning difficult situations into positive and forward-thinking actions rather than inaction and helplessness is the skill of resiliency.
Beware of Resiliency Killers!
Fooling yourself. You fool yourself when you have a clear knowledge of why a problem occurred, yet you respond negatively and create self-doubt. Let's say your alarm clock doesn't go off and you sleep 20 minutes longer than you should. Do you say, "I'll make sure to double-check the alarm clock next time," or "I can never set the alarm clock right. I'm horrible with technology!"
Over-generalizing. When you create absolute rules from one incident, you apply the learning from that incident to all situations. Be careful that this doesn't become a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. "I can't make it on time to early morning meetings because I don't know how to set my alarm. I'm not good with technology. I'll write Johnny a note rather than use my email to make sure it gets to him."
Magnifying the problem. Making a mountain out of molehill can make the situation seem hopeless or impossible to change. "There was traffic on I-15, and now I'll never get to the meeting. Everyone will think I'm a loser." Is the problem really that you'll never make it to the meeting or maybe that you're simply running a few minutes late and can be added to the end of the agenda instead of being first?
Creating unrealistic expectations. Judge your capabilities with accuracy. Don't have expectations that are too high or too low. You don't have to be perfect. Enjoy the challenge and process of learning. Set a realistic goal for the outcome and make sure the goal and action items are within your control. Say, "I'm going to test the alarm clock and get up tomorrow and the next day. Two days in a row will prepare me for getting to the important meeting on time next week," rather than, "I'll never be late to a meeting again."
Employing black-and-white thinking. This leads to a mentality where everything is either right or wrong. This leaves a very small range for success and limits the joy of the process.
Being negative. Don't focus on the negative. This limits progress and responsibility. An example of this might be, "The alarm clock is old and doesn't work correctly. I hate the sound it makes, too, but I can't afford the time to go buy another one."
Being uncommitted. If you are leaving on a morning flight to Hawaii, how likely are you to oversleep and miss your flight? Not likely indeed, because your motivation to make the flight is high and your commitment level is also high. Commitment requires effort, curiosity and attention to staying connected daily. This connection becomes part of your attitude in difficult times and helps keep you on task.
Being out of control. Control is the perception that you can influence and explain the events around you. Those with winning mindsets tend to strategize how they can impact positively what is going on around them. They focus on controllable factors, such as effort and making small goals, and make tough challenges enjoyable. People report these as magic moments, or flow states. When you give control away to uncontrollable factors, your motivation and joy are reduced.
Great cyclist Lance Armstrong illustrates it best when he says, "It's not about the bike." He attributes his successes to focusing on the "controllables." Managing your mind requires trust. You can avoid "fear of failure" scenarios by focusing on the controllable factors in every situation. Every moment has elements that are within your control. When you focus on areas out of your control or jump to unreasonable outcomes, you defuse your focus and become anxious.
Resiliency is vital to individual performance and success. But what do resiliency skills look like in a group setting such as athletic teams, families or the workplace?
Members of resilient groups have great communication skills. Communication is clear, frequent and informal. Communication skills also include empathy and active listening that allow members to have airtime and feel that their voices are heard. Open, honest communication results in enhanced feelings of cohesion and is the most important factor in group success.
Groups who feel attached to each other are another vital element of group resiliency. You create attachment with lots of communication and teamwork, while still encouraging uniqueness and individuality within the group. Individuality is important because we want people to bring their unique gifts while simultaneously cultivating a sense of belonging.
Commitment to the group is just as important to group resiliency as it is to the individual's resiliency. When each member is valued and supported, they can make changes at the individual level to create the best outcome for the group. There is no long-term anger or subversion when individuals contribute and change for the group. Often members donate time, status, resources or other assistant to reshape goals when there is commitment to the group's success.
In all groups there are challenges, stressful events and problems. Members of successful groups attempt solutions and act in good faith for the benefit of the group. These groups have built an environment of trust and members can behave confidently with self-control, knowing they will not be ridiculed by others in the group. Members can reduce fear of failure, anxiety, lying and passive-aggressive behaviors simply because they count on each other for support and guidance.
Groups with winning mindsets have the ability to change and adapt quickly. Members identify with the group through positive communication, teaching and sharing of ideas. And trust and a "for the group" mentality allow individuals to test and shift into new roles when the need arises. This helps the group itself grow and adapt quickly to challenges and new environments—a key skill in today's rapidly changing world.
Achievement and success are not unrealistic goals, and the skills needed to obtain them are not difficult. However, it's wise to keep a daily focus on developing and enhancing these skills. When day-to-day responsibilities keep your energy focused, it's helpful to consult an outside professional to efficiently focus efforts for individual and team skill development. Allowing a performance psychologist to assist you and your team is not an admission of failure. It allows you to focus on your area of expertise while developing vital skills for success that, due to overwhelming daily tasks, often get overlooked.